⁴⁰ One of the two who heard John speak and followed Jesus was Andrew, Simon Peter's brother. ⁴¹ He first found his own brother Simon and said to him, “We have found the Messiah” (which means Christ). ⁴² He brought him to Jesus. Jesus looked at him and said, “You are Simon the son of John. You shall be called Cephas” (which means Peter).

John 1:40-42

Dear Lee Girls,

There’s a writing prompt I’ve seen lately in different groups that asks a writer to counsel her former self. “I met my 25-year-old self for coffee…” the pieces often begin. I’ve been drawn to reading them for the same reason I imagine many people are — we love a transformation story. We enjoy hearing about the wisdom people are given over years and we can relate to chuckling at our former naive selves. We love hearing the older wiser woman speak gently and knowingly to the younger. It might be similar to the way you feel when you watch home videos. You always giggle at “baby Charis” and little Elsie with affection, even when you remember doing silly things or misbehaving. You look tenderly at baby Abigail as she looks up to you. You love hearing stories like, “Remember when you wouldn’t go to music class without sitting in my lap, and now school is your favorite place in the whole world?!” Growth is never a straight line, but there’s so much grace to behold, and we can’t help but humbly smile.

Reading these writings has been challenging for me because I’ve realized how hard it is for me to smile at my past, and how much work I need to do at recognizing God’s grace and patience towards me. Growth is never a straight line. We dip and stumble, often because of fear, and with that comes pain and hurt relationships. Maybe it’s because I tend to take things too seriously or because my late teens and 20’s were a challenging time, but looking back at the version of me from 10, 15, 20 years ago just makes me want to cry. I just want to hug her and tell her she doesn’t have to be so afraid. I want to ask her what she truly wants and tell her to move forward and stop being so paralyzed from approval seeking and indecision. I want to steer her away from chasing people that were hurting her and point out the people that were faithful and kind and right in front of her. But then I know she wouldn’t be ready for all those words. So what would I really say to her?

I want to have grace-filled and coherent perspective of my story, so I want to work on this. I want this for your sakes, too. I want to be able to tell you about God’s grace in my life, even as I acknowledge how my fear and failure led to a crooked growth pattern as it does for us all. I want to do this because you may have a similar pattern of ups and downs amidst God’s abounding love and favor, and I want you to see this as a normal and humbling thing.

I think Peter can help us with this. We don’t know exactly what the Apostle Peter would have said to younger fisherman Peter at the coffee shop before his period of rapid growth. But we do have words that are even more important than what Peter would have said to Peter: we have what Jesus said to Peter. (When you are struggling with words to say to yourself, you can be grateful that God has wonderful words to you). In John 1, we see the first conversation between Peter (called Simon at the time) and the one who knows all hearts. Peter was in a unique position. He was talking to Jesus—the one who knew him completely before his crooked growth and who knew whom he would become after his growth. Jesus knew all the versions of Peter better than Peter knew himself. John tells us that when Jesus met Peter, “Jesus looked at him and said, “You are Simon the son of John. You shall be called Cephas” (which means Peter).” “Cephas” is the Aramaic term for “rock” which is “Peter” or “Petras” in Greek. Jesus saw Simon, He knew who He would call him to be and who He would transform him into, and with this name change, Jesus declared it so. We know that God often changes the names of His people to declare their role in redemption history, (we can think of Abram to Abraham, Sarai to Sarah, and Jacob to Israel). This name change was an important part of Peter’s transformation. One scholar on John named Leon Morris explains that in this time, a name stood for the whole person and his whole personality. So, when a name is changed by God, it speaks of a new character in which the man appears. Jesus declares that Simon is a new character in His story— the “rock man”. Morris goes on to say, “Peter appears in all the Gospels as anything but a rock. He is impulsive, volatile, unreliable. But that was not God’s last word for Peter. Jesus’ words point to the change that would be wrought in him by the power of God.”^[1]

Jesus saw Simon and told him who the Gospel would make him into.

Peter’s growth was not a straight line. He blurts out over-confidently several times in the gospels. He claimed he would die with Jesus before he failed to even pray for Jesus and then he denied him three times (Luke 22:31-62, Matthew 26:36-46). I wonder what Peter would do with one of these writing prompts. “What would you say to your former self 20 years ago…” I wonder if he would weep, too. But then I think he would remember the words of Jesus. “You are Simon the son of John. You shall be called Cephas” (which means Peter).” Peter knew who he was because Jesus told him who he was. Peter was a rock by God’s gospel grace through Christ. Where else was he going to go?

So I wrestle with this. I want to tell a coherent story as I wrestle with my past but I also know that the clearest and most consistent story is that Jesus is enough. He was always there, He never left. In that coffee shop when I was 20, Jesus saw me. He knew who I was and who I had been, He knew of the strong grace He had for me, He knew who the gospel would make me into and the path I would take to get there, and he loved me.

We can spend a lot of time agonizing over our stories and how we’ve changed or whether we’ve changed enough, but Jesus tells us who we are. And Jesus’s words are based on rock-solid, cross-secured grace.

One day you will look back at something in your life like a mistake you made and it might make you sad. Maybe you’ll experience deep regret. Maybe you won’t know how to process it or understand it, and that’s okay. These things take time and prayer and always a recognition of God’s grace. If you need help with this or you start to despair, it’s a good idea to ask someone close to you for their perspective of grace. Sometimes other people are able to see God’s hand in your life when you are focused on mistakes and failures. They can point redemption out to you and it will be a life-line for you. We all need to be able to understand our stories with God’s grace in the picture. This is the way He sees us, so we should pray and aim to see things this way, too. As you process your story, the most important thing is to remember what God says about you through Jesus Christ.

During our time in Charlottesville, I think we’ve all grown and changed so much. I’m working on reflecting on all the things we have to be grateful for from our time here. But I think it will take me years to recognize the transformation that’s happened in the past 2 years. When we first arrived, Elsie and Abigail and I attended a Music class for kids at our church and we sang this song every week that allowed us to recite Isaiah 43:1 “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” And the song goes on to tell us about God’s present character towards us…

“If you're scared of the dark, I'll be your guiding light
If the flood waters come, they won't wash you aside
If you're caught in a storm, I'm safe place to hide
Don't be afraid, I am with you

And if you need a friend, oh, I won't let you down
If you feel the earth shaking, I'm your solid ground
If you're feeling alone, and like no one is around
Don't be afraid, I am with you

Don't you forget that I made you
Don't believe that you're not enough
I'll never leave or forsake you
Try to remember my love

Fear not, for I have redeemed you
I've called you by name, you are mine
Fear not, for I have redeemed you
I've called you by name, you are mine”

We brought this song home and sang it all the time. And last week, Elsie belted it out in her preschool performance so loudly and confidently as I looked on with tears. From the beginning trepidation of being in a new city to the end of our time, He has been right here. He has seen us and what we’ve been through, He sees who He will make us into, and He will never ever leave. “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” These are God’s gracious words to us. They will always be true no matter where we are and it will always be the most beautiful part of our story.

Holding on to Him with you,

Mom

^[1] Leon Morris, The Gospel According to John. The New International Commentary on the New Testament. (Grand Rapids, Michigan, William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1971), 167.